So, it's been a while since my last post. That is mostly because I have been struggling so much lately that I have not wanted to post anything for fear it would just be complaining. But, I guess since not that many people read this and the ones that do care about me a lot then here is where I need to explain.
I finally talked with Paul the other night about all this too. I'm not dumb enough to think he didn't know something was going on, but he didn't know the extent of it or the seriousness of it.
I have realized in the last few weeks (and probably knew longer than that, but didn't want to admit it) that I have been getting frustrated way to easy and about little things. When I really sat down and thought about things I realized I have become an angry person. I was thinking the problem was with everyone else....my husband, kids, friends....but then I realized the only common denominator was ME! I am the problem and I need to fix it (with God's help). It's like I know the answers to the questions and I know the verses to look at, but it still didn't help because I didn't know how to put them into practice. I'm not saying things have changed over night or that I am ever going to be perfect, but I have realized I need to change and the only way I can change is let God do it. I know this is still very vague about what has been going on, but it's harder to put into words than I thought.
With the help of good advice from friends and family I am on my way of making changes.
The kids and I were making cookies the other day. We put the shortening and butter in and then I grabbed the sugar canister and realized we didn't have quite enough. I thought there was another bag of sugar somewhere so I went to get it, but couldn't find it. All I could find were the Ziploc bags of flour (we buy a big bag from Sam's and split it up). I started getting irritated that we had already gone through this big bag of sugar. Then I saw the container on the counter that has sugar in it for my coffee. I told the kids maybe that would be enough. So I dumped it in. It was enough! I even was able to stop and tell the kids God had helped us find enough sugar to make the cookies and we should thank Him for it (I just now realize I should have stopped and prayed first for Him to help us find some and then thank Him for finding it....guess I'm still learning too!). Then I opened the cabinet where the flour all was and realized the one bag was NOT flour, but sugar! I guess Paul had opened the big bag of sugar and put it in Ziploc bags also. So, I told the kids that God showed us where there was enough sugar to make the cookies AND He showed us where more sugar was so we could refill the canisters! Just that little moment I could see God was helping me because I would have been so frustrated by then that I would not have found the sugar before. I am realizing MOST things I get frustrated with are not worth the effort of frustration (like the fact that Michael is not sleeping right now even though it is nap time!).
I read these books and articles about how we shouldn't want more...like a bigger house, more money, etc., but I have realized I have been bad about wanting more time, more organization skills, etc. I have also realized this is just as bad because I am not being content with what I have. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't have an easier time with some things (like getting ready for church Sunday mornings) if I was more organized, but I can't be focused on that. :-)
I think what has really hit me is seeing that my kids are already acting like me. They get frustrated over little things and react the way I have taught them. I really don't want them to be like that and I have to make sure now that I am teaching them the right way to react to things.